


I Should Not

by xxpanda92xx



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, very slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-01
Updated: 2013-08-01
Packaged: 2017-12-22 02:16:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/907696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxpanda92xx/pseuds/xxpanda92xx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The five times Spock was confronted with illogical emotions (and the one time he did not care). Does have spoilers for STID, so proceed with caution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Should Not

**1\. I Should Not Have Been Angry**

He sat there, waiting for his father to arrive. Nothing the man could say, however, would be worse than the punishment Spock was giving himself. As he waited, he mentally replayed the scene, berating himself for losing control; he had fought so hard to quell the anger at those taunts, and all that effort was now for naught. Mainly, he regretted the lack of logic to his emotional response that instigated the fight. There was no reason for him to react so strongly, and it served no purpose to attack the other boys. His self-torment and regret subsided somewhat at his father’s words, but he vowed not to act so illogically again.

Despite occasional moments where he allowed emotion to govern his actions, Spock held to this vow for many years. It was not until a cocky, blonde, young man verbally attacked him that he reacted in such a way. His father called him back to his senses, and Spock looked down at the man he could have killed with shock and a tinge of horror, feeling like a child once more.

**2\. I Should Not Feel Sad**

“I’m sorry,” Nyota said softly. She touched his face, and he could feel guilt and regret coloring her emotions.

“There is no reason to be,” he assured her, pulling back from her touch. “We are not compatible, as you need what I cannot give. It would be illogical to continue our relationship. There is no reason to feel guilty. I trust we can maintain our friendship and professional relationship?”

She smiled kindly, though there were tears in her eyes. “Of course, Spock, if that’s what you want. Good night.”

He watched as she left, trying to quash his emotions. As he had told Nyota, it was illogical to continue the relationship; in the long run, it would have ended poorly, with neither party being fulfilled. An illogical tear escaped and ran down his cheek nonetheless.

**3\. I Should Not Feel Awkward and Lonely**

Spock sighed and sipped his water. All of the other drinks at the party were alcoholic and held no enjoyment for him. He watched his crewmates enjoying themselves. They were celebrating being alive as long as they had managed. The Enterprise seemed to find herself in a new scrape every week, and so many of the crew needed the chance to relax and let go of the stress they carried. Spock understood the feeling, which is why he was here instead of working with the skeleton crew who were keeping the ship afloat. Now that he was here, however, he looked forward to the start of his shift, when he and some of the others would relieve the current on-duty personnel so they could relax as well. Nyota was dancing with McCoy, and though the rest of the command team were nearby, Spock could not muster the nerve to approach them. _This is illogical,_ he reprimanded himself. _These people are my coworkers, if not friends. There is no reason I should feel discomfort in approaching them. I should also not feel unhappy at being alone when I inflict this upon myself._

The Captain sat down next to him and Spock found himself grateful for the company. “Why are you sulking over here in a corner by yourself? It’s not Uhura and Bones, is it?”

“I assure you, Captain, I am not sulking. And I do not begrudge Dr. McCoy’s time and closeness with Nyota. One of the reasons we terminated our romantic relationship was that I could not provide the emotional responses and support she sought. As Dr. McCoy is a highly emotional man, even in comparison to the average human, I can only believe their relationship will be beneficial to her.”

The Captain smiled. “You’re a good man, Spock. Not many could handle it that well. I know, I know, it’s only logical, but still. Back to the original question though. Why are you here not-sulking by yourself? You should be drinking with the others and relaxing.”

Spock hesitated. He was prepared to give a scripted, emotionless answer about how illogical it would be to do so, but that would only exacerbate his problem. “I must confess,” he replied slowly, “Vulcans are not well-practiced in the art of relaxation besides the time we set aside for meditation, as it is considered illogical. Nor are we able to metabolize alcohol the way Humans do. It has no effect on our mental functions. As such, I am encountering difficulty in knowing how to approach anyone.”

He halfway expected the Human to laugh at him, but Kirk merely looked at him with kindness. “I can see how that would be a problem.” He was quiet for a minute, then, “Is there anything that’s not work-related or meditation you do enjoy?”

“I find pleasure in playing the Vulcan lute. I am also partial to three-dimensional chess.”

Kirk grinned. “I love chess! C’mon, let’s go play a round.”

“It is unnecessary for you to cut short your enjoyment of the happenings. Besides, my shift will be starting soon,” Spock protested. “I do, however, appreciate the offer.”

Kirk shook his head. “Nope, you’re not getting out of this. I’ve been dying for a good match, and I bet you’re great at it. You go relieve your guy. I’ll go grab my set and meet you on the Bridge. Don’t look at me like that,” he said in response to the eyebrow quirk. “I want to play you. We’re travelling through dead space so nothing should happen. And the pieces are magnetized, so they won’t roll around and cause problems if something does happen.”

“Very well, Captain. I shall meet you on the Bridge.” As he rode the lift, he checked his emotions and decided his happiness and anticipation were logical, as he had been bemoaning his loneliness before the Captain’s arrival. Yes, only logical. 

**4\. I Should Not Feel Regret**

Today was Kirk’s birthday. Normally, he held a large party to celebrate, but that did not appear to be the case this year. The Captain slipped away after their shift ended. With help from the computer, Spock located his friend when he did not arrive for their weekly chess night. He brought a replicated dinner and his present for the Captain to the observation deck where the man sat, alone. “I hope I am not intruding.”

“Of course not,” Kirk answered with a smile. “Sorry, I lost track of time. I totally planned to come kick your ass at chess. Just got lost in my thoughts.”

“And what is their nature?”

“Just how good it is to be alive. Between the thing with Khan and how often we seem to find ourselves in trouble… not to mention the fact I almost died on this day anyways… it seemed fitting.” Kirk paused and sniffed. “That smells delicious. Is any of it for me?”

“It is your favorites that Dr. McCoy has banned you from. My meals are not so restricted, and it is your birthday. To use the Human phrase, dig in,” he responded, handing over the food.

Kirk smiled widely as began to devour the bacon cheeseburger. Spock watched him and felt an irrational pang of guilt. Kirk was spending his grateful for being alive, and Spock had nearly denied him that pleasure more than once. _It is illogical to want to change the past,_ he reminded himself. _What is done, is done. He is here now, and you are there to keep him safe._

“What’s wrong?” his friend asked, cutting into his thoughts. “You’ve gone all stiff like you do when I’ve done something extremely stupid and irrational.”

“For once, I am the illogical one. Though I know it is useless, I find myself wishing for an opportunity to alter the past. I would like to apologize for the times I was the one who almost took this day from you. First, for marooning you on Delta Vega. The cold could have proven perilous, and I should have thought to read the reports of the planet before I sent you there, or I would have been aware of the creatures that awaited you. I then nearly killed you for your comments regarding my mother. Though my anger, I believe we can agree, was justified, strangling you was not. And then, with Khan… I should have been the one behind the glass. I discussed it with my other self, and I know that I should have been the one to die. Additionally, without Nyota and Dr. McCoy’s interference, I would have killed your last chance at survival. For all of this, I am sorry. If it were possible, I would change the past, but I know I cannot.”

Kirk smiled. “I believe that is the most illogical thing you have ever said.” In an uncharacteristic display of affection, he hugged the Vulcan, making sure to only touch fabric and avoid skin-to-skin contact. “But thank you. I never even held anything with Khan against you, but I long ago forgave you for everything else, if it makes you feel better.”

“It does,” Spock replied, gently returning the hug.

**5\. I Should Not Be In Love**

“Shouldn’t you be on the Bridge, Commander?” Dr. McCoy asked gruffly. 

“Mr. Sulu is in control, and we should be safe for the time being,” Spock replied.

“Then give me one good reason for you to stay here by Jim’s bed and not in your own, getting rest.”

“Vulcans do not need as much sleep as humans.”

McCoy grunted. “I said rest, not sleep. Look, he’s injured and unconscious, but he’ll live, I made sure of that. I already promised to let you know as soon as his condition shows any change, so what logical reason can you have to stay by his side?”

Spock was silent, staring at his unconscious friend. Another supposedly peaceful mission; another surprise attack when things invariably “went to hell in a hand basket”, as the doctor was fond of saying; another batch of meaningless deaths, and another incidence of the Captain unconscious under the watchful care of his best friend. They had gone through this drill enough that Spock knew it was illogical to wait. He should be starting on the reports for the Captain to approve when he awoke, should be delivering the news to the victim’s families, but he could not will himself to leave. “I am afraid I cannot give you one.”

McCoy sat down next to him. “I suppose love never is logical.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re playing dense on purpose, right?” Seeing Spock’s face, he sighed. “Of course not. Look, I see how you are with Jim. And I remember how you were with Nyota. You’re a lot more open with him emotionally. Shut up, we both know Vulcans do feel emotions and choose not to express them. Anyways, just… I’m going to leave you alone and let you sit here to your heart’s content, on one condition. Think about it.”

They sat in silence after that. Spock replayed the doctor’s words and then reviewed his interactions with Kirk and the emotions they brought to the surface. When he allowed himself to feel them, instead of pushing them down ruthlessly, Spock was surprised to discover McCoy was right; he did love the Captain. _But why?_ he wondered. _It is illogical. Mating with him would not fill the biological need to procreate. The man is of a predominantly heterosexual nature, so it is unlikely for him to accept or reciprocate my affections. There is no logic to this emotion._

Aloud, he said softly, “It is highly illogical, but I fear you may be right.”

The doctor smiled. “Like I said, love is never logical. No need to fear it. Just don’t hurt him, alright? He needs someone like you to balance him out. Take care of him, or I’ll make your death look like an accident.”

Spock shook his head. “You need not fear. He does not reciprocate my interests, and I would never do anything to damage our relationship.”

McCoy gave him an inscrutable look. “Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched. You don’t know how Jim feels. Just be there for him and take care of him.”

Spock knew it was an illogical promise to make, one he could not guarantee keeping, and yet he whispered, “Always.”

**+1. I Should Not Fell Like a Teenager on a First Date, but What the Hell?**

“How awesome is it we get shore leave on a peaceful Federation planet in time for Valentine’s Day?” Jim cheered as he joined Spock, Nyota, and McCoy for lunch.

Nyota smiled. “Why are you so excited? Got some big date we don’t know about?”

“Well, there are plenty of farm animals on this planet,” he replied with a suggestive wink.

She laughed, Dr. McCoy grunted and rolled his eyes, and Spock raised an eyebrow. He had been told the story when he asked Nyota how she knew the Captain already. Apparently, the other man had told his best friend the story as well.

“So no date then?” McCoy asked. “Weird. That’s not the Jim I know. What’s going on?”

“Maybe I just matured enough to set my heartbreaking days behind me,” Jim challenged.

“Right. The only holiday you like more than Christmas, and suddenly you’re not celebrating? Spill,” the doctor ordered. 

“Well, there’s someone I wanna ask, but I haven’t worked up the courage to do so yet,” Jim admitted sheepishly.

Spock tried to ignore the wave of despondency that coursed through him. He already knew Jim would not fancy him, so it was illogical to hope otherwise.

“Sounds serious,” Nyota commented.

Jim blushed. “I’d like it to be. Now, let’s drop it, ok?”

“Sure, just don’t let tomorrow come and go without at least asking them, ok?” she replied.

He nodded and, with that, the conversation was closed.

Spock was meditating in his quarters later that night when there was a knock at the door. “Enter,” he called.

Jim walked in. “Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Do not apologize. You are welcome in my quarters anytime.” He rose and stretched a little to ease his muscles. “Did you need something in particular, or were you just seeking company?”

“Both, really. Chess?”

Spock nodded, gesturing for his friend to sit at the already prepared set (he had ceased putting it away months ago as it seemed illogical after pulling it out so often), allowing Jim to choose his color.

They played in silence for a while. Spock was curious to know what was on Jim’s mind, but knew there was no point in pushing. Jim would tell him when he was ready. Finally, the blonde asked, “So, any plans for tomorrow? I know Uhura’s with Bones, but I wasn’t sure if you had anything lined up.”

“Negative. My only plans were to complete some work around the ship. Why do you ask?”

Kirk took a deep breath. “Well… if the work can wait till later, would you like to join me? There’s a conference of scientists where a bunch of different experts from different fields will be presenting. And there’s a museum we could explore. And when we beamed down, I saw a valley that looked perfect for a picnic….” He trailed off, staring resolutely at the board before him.

Spock felt a pang of sympathy that his friend’s date had not worked out, but he was quite happy for the invitation. “That sounds like a most enjoyable experience. I would be happy to accompany you.”

Jim’s smile was radiant.

After his friend had left, Spock calmly walked to Nyota’s quarters and rapped incessantly on the door. “What?” she snapped. Ok, maybe not as calmly as he had hoped. “I require your assistance, if you would be amenable. You have always displayed an excellent grasp of what makes a person look most appealing, as your outfits and accessorizing demonstrate. I have newly acquired plans for Valentine’s Day, and while it is not a date, I would like to leave a favorable impression on the person.”

Nyota studied him. “Sure I’ll help.” They began walking back to his quarters. “So you’re spending tomorrow with Jim?” 

“Why would you assume this?”

“I’m not blind, Spock, though I think you might be. C’mon, let’s see what you have.”

After a time, she was quite frustrated. “Do you own anything other than black long sleeves?”

“I saw no reason to do so. Black is a logical, simple color that is easy to coordinate and looks appealing. They can be worn under my uniform shirt instead of the short sleeved undershirt, keeping me warm.”

“Isn’t that against regulations?” she asked with a smirk.

He shrugged. “I do, however, own more than one type of pants, if that would make your task easier.”

Eventually, they decided with a pair of jeans tighter than he was used to, sitting lower on his hips than he preferred. Though out of the usual for him he had to admit they looked good. There was a small sliver of skin that showed between his jeans and his shirt, enough to call attention but not enough to be indecent. “Good luck,” Nyota said as she left, and he did not correct her on the inexistence of such a concept. He was certain he would need it with how nervous he was. 

The next morning was even worse. He spent considerably longer than he ever had before preparing himself for the day. There was nothing he could do with his hair to make it more casual, but he hoped that the lack of uniform and jeans would suffice. He sat in his quarters, trying to meditate until the time he was supposed to meet the Captain in the transporter room, but he was continually distracted by the noises his friend made in the shared bathroom between their quarters. Jim was taking even longer to get ready than he had.

When they met in the transporter room, Jim appeared startled. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you out uniform.” His eyes raked over Spock’s form, making the Vulcan feel self-conscious. 

_This is so illogical,_ he grumbled to himself as he stopped the blush from rising to his cheeks. “Is my appearance satisfactory?” he asked, somehow managing to keep his tone neutral.

“Very,” said Jim almost thoughtlessly, then he blushed and looked away.

Spock felt inordinately pleased over the comment. “The same can be said of you.” It was true. Kirk was wearing a dark blue t-shirt, so deep a shade it was almost black, over a white long sleeve shirt and deep blue jeans that were even tighter than Spock’s own. 

Jim blushed brighter, sticking his hands in his pockets. He looked startled, then grinned and pulled something out of the pocket. “Here, I almost forgot. Wear these.” He extended his hand, and Spock was able to see he held a pair of leather gloves. “That way, if it’s crowded, you can avoid brushing against people and getting all their emotions.”

Touched, Spock took them and found them to be a perfect fit. ”This was most considerate. Thank you.”

Jim smiled. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

The gloves were a wise precaution, as the event was packed. Still, they had a good time. Jim let Spock drag him over to whatever speaker he wished to see, laughing at his eagerness, though not unkindly. Spock was grateful Jim was intelligent, for he was able to follow all of the explanations and findings by the presenters without extra explanation, enabling them both to enjoy it. He was concerned what Jim was thinking about him, but he tried not to worry unduly. _He has been accommodating and seems to enjoy himself. I know him well enough to tell when he is unhappy. It is illogical to panic so,_ he reminded himself. _He enjoys my company, or he would not be here. It is illogical to think like this._ But he could not help it. 

By the afternoon, they had explored all they wanted and were ready for lunch. Jim had Scotty beam them down the picnic lunch he packed and they went to the meadow he had described. It was quiet and serene, which Spock appreciated after the busy chaos of the conference. “I am sorry your date did not respond favorably to your invitation,” he told the Captain after a time, “but I thank you for choosing me to join you instead.” Seeing Jim blush and look down, he verified, “You did ask her like you promised Nyota, correct?”

Jim blushed brighter. “Yes, I did ask _him_ , actually, and he _did_ respond favorably, and I had a fantastic time at the conference with him.”

Spock was stunned. The Captain had been referring to him? This was a Valentine’s date, not just time spent with a friend? “I am sorry. I had not realized.”

Jim shook his head. “I wasn’t sure if you would, and I was too scared to tell you.”

Spock’s mind raced. “And when you told Nyota you wanted it to be serious?”

His friend looked down. “I meant it. I… I’m pretty sure I love you. If you don’t feel the same, that’s fine. This can be an afternoon between friends, and I’ll never mention it again. I just thought you should know.”

“I…return your regard,” said Spock slowly. “I was illogically happy when you invited me to join you today, and the entire time we were at the conference, I was concerned with your opinion of me, hoping that I was not making a fool of myself in your presence. I made Nyota help me choose my outfit in hopes that you might find me attractive. Every thought today was illogical, but I did not care because I do not feel the need to cling to my logic around you because, as a grumpy doctor once told me, love is the least logical emotion of all.”

Jim had looked up during his speech, moving to sit closer to Spock. He tentatively held out his first two fingers. “I saw some of the couples do this on New Vulcan once or twice, mostly when they were… whatever the unemotional version of happy is, with their significant other. Is this right?”

Spock took off a glove and held his two fingers to Jim’s. “In Vulcan culture, this is a kiss.” He could feel Jim’s happiness and affection through their connection.

Jim gave him a large grin. “Are you sure you don’t mind being illogical like this?”

Spock very gently pressed a soft, Human kiss to Jim’s mouth. “I am certain.”


End file.
